September 2004

Dear Salty,

I think our problems all began when TownDock.net staffers started importing the New York Times into our remote, quiet little village of innocent homefolks.  Being isolated as we have been for over a century, we never knew anything about the kind of chicanery and double-dealing that apparently regularly goes on in Wall Street and places like that up North.

 Probably we needed to learn about the secret world of insider trading and how it operates, but sadly I guess we now have a glowing example of how the corrupt system works.  It should be a good reality lesson for all of us naive "been-heres." 
 
But now my personal problem is my continuing depression and despair.   I was so sure I was going to be rewarded for my special efforts to help the scholarship fund recipients at the recent Oriental Cup Regatta raffle drawing, that I purchased not one but five chances for the canoe.  Now I am trying to cope, as I  search for some explanation as to why one of my tickets was not drawn in the raffle.
 
Yours Sincerely,

Searching
 
P.S.  Maybe one answer could be that probably I would have felt overly self-conscious paddling around the harbor in that gaudy orange canoe. 

Dear Searching,

Chicanery, double-dealing and nepotism- oh my!  Are you sure all that has arrived in our quaint little village?  Why didn't someone tell me this before?  I'm always looking for a good time! 

Actually, I've always defined nepotism as dating two brothers and an uncle at the same time but allowing  least two days in between and only in months with the letter "R" in them. 

But you can go with your own definition if you must. 

And yes, it is very sad that we can no longer live our lives in this remote village without suspicion  of our fellow man.  Personally, I think it started before the New York Times arrived.

Salty has no reason to suspect this man in the chicanery, just because he was the raffle ticket seller.

But not like this.

Now the insidious hand of suspected corruption has landed on our scholarship fund raffles!  It's enough to make even convicted insider traders gasp!  (Martha would have gasped too except that everyone was wearing matching t-shirts and drinking matching Bloody Mary's, so she will let this one slide.)  I am very sorry that one of your tickets did not win but at least you can take some comfort in the fact your money went for a very good cause. 

But have you noticed how loudly the winners of , what I now call the "canoe of shame", are protesting?  I think we should add diversion and subterfuge to our list of village corrupting influences.  Notice how quickly the announcer of the raffle results started pointing the finger at his "partner", making out like the last thing he wanted to do was win such a fine prize from Pirate Queen Paddling?

Immediate Flaunting Of Canoe-Of-Shame

Immediate use of canoe of shame

And then, did you see how just hours later this team of seemingly innocent raffle winners showed off their "canoe of shame" in our symbol of peace, tranquility, and all that is virtuous - the Duck Pond?! What nerve!  Next thing you know, they will be charging tourists 5 bucks a head to ride by the dragon in their orange "canoe of shame". 

Now I know the fine folks running the regatta would never have anything to do

An un retouched photo of a local man meeting with a Wall Street bigwig, allegedly to get raffle tips.

with corruption, chicanery, or nepotism, so it would take a mighty crafty pair (or three) to pull this one off without anyone else noticing.  Hmmm...do you think it's possible the raffle ticket seller may have been in on this too? Anyone that pals around with Martha is not above suspicion. 

Hopefully, this will be the last tainted raffle this village ever knows. But I'm not sure. I heard the next game of chance will be for a subscription to the New York Times.
 
Bless your raffle losin' little heart,

Salty 

Previous Ask Salty Columns

• Finding A Knight
• The Mystery Musician
• Moving Anxiety
• Whisker Pole Advice
• A Big Wake's Real Meaning
• 80mph Kayaking
• Ink Stains
• The Annoying Couple
• The Recycler
• Mustard Stains & Yappy Little Dogs