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close-knit community like Oriental offers friendships as close as family, if not closer. These strong connections also carry grief as death seems to come all too often to our quiet little hamlet. Our sadness is complicated when death comes by way of suicide.

Keith Sexton

Conversations about a suicide can be punctuated with shock, regret even anger. Plain truth is needed to bring the subject of suicide out of the shadows and offer tools for recognizing the signs.

Suicide is not infectious or contagious. Talking about it will not encourage suicide. On the contrary, an honest and caring conversation about suicide may be one of the best preventative measures.

People making concrete plans for a suicide may be able to hold down a job, serve on a civic committee and function in many ways that seem normal. However, beneath the surface there is a storm of emotions that erode one’s sense of worth. An overwhelming depression, desperation and/or despondency are hidden. Occasionally there are eruptions to the outside world. Much energy is expended to hide the pain and keep the suicidal thoughts a secret.

Suicide is about stopping the relentless, crushing pain that is building like pressure inside a volcano. The pain becomes so great that death seems the real only option. The perception of reality is an ever tightening downward spiral of self-doubt, self-loathing, alienation, hopelessness and agony. Soon the only truth is the distorted notions inside one’s own mind that life is not worth living and one’s life is of no consequence.

Factors like grief, financial stress, personal or professional failures add to the load, making the gravitational pull of depression even stronger. Eventually the burden is so great, the pain so excruciating that thoughts turn to plans and plans to time-tables.

People who are planning suicide may engage in some or all of the following:

1. Getting their affairs in order
2. Returning borrowed items
3. Saying goodbye in a manner that seems as if she/he is not returning
4. Withdrawing from people
5. Neglecting normal interests and commitments
6. Exhibiting reckless behaviors
7. Gathering things necessary for their suicide (i.e. guns, drugs, other lethal items)

Some signs that a person may be considering suicide:

1. Speaking of suicide, even in a joking manner
2. A pre-occupation with death
3. Expressions of self-deprecation: purposelessness, shame, guilt, worthlessness
4. Hopelessness

As any of these signs cause concern for a neighbor, family member or friend; ask direct questions in a safe and caring manner.

1. Have you ever thought your life does not matter to those around you?
2. Have you ever thought you would be better off dead?
3. Have you ever thought of hurting yourself?
4. Have you ever thought of suicide?

When a friend’s response confirms suspicions of suicidal thoughts, it is extremely important to listen without offering judgment. Offer reassurance of your friendship. Help the person look for alternative ways of seeing her/his situation. When a friend finally confides thoughts and/or plans for ending her/his life, take action! Take your friend to the emergency room where medical and mental health professionals can perform the appropriate evaluations and determine the best course of action.

Do not swear confidentiality. If the person will not seek help, you may need to speak to a mental health professional to set the wheels in motion that can provide protection for someone who is suicidal.

This article is based, in part, on my experience working a suicide hotline based in Columbia, Maryland. As a hotline counselor, I have talked people into laying down a gun as my colleague used the information gathered to dispatch emergency responders to the site. Sadly, I have also heard the phone click that ends the conversation, never knowing if the person survived.

Take this truth to heart: a friend or family member cannot take responsibility for another person’s self-destructive decision, even if the last conversation was harsh. No one can be another person’s savior. Suicide is solely the responsibility of the person contemplating it. Like an addict suffering emotional and spiritual distress; the person in the inner hell of suicidal thoughts can only find health when she/he reaches out for help. Getting help is the only way out.

All any friend can do is be caring, be aware of the signs, be willing to ask, be willing to take action and stay connected. Compassion is all you have to give, and when a friend contemplating suicide accepts compassion, she/he takes the first step toward healing.

Al Church’s life and his death will not be forgotten. New life arises from Al’s death as we resolve to be vigilant to look for the signs of suicide that heretofore we were not equipped to recognize.

Reverend Keith Sexton is the Pastor of Oriental United Methodist Church

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